Time To Put Up and Shut Up! Pt.1

I watched my father sit helpless in his hospital bed in the ICU again tonight. Seeing my father, my Superman when I was a child, lay at the mercy of God, doctors, and nurses really puts things in perspective. Our lives we live are fragile ones. Any minute it can be take away from a car crash, a freak accident, of a slow death sentence from a disease or poor health. My father is a good man. He's lived a good life, provided for his family, treated my mother and I with a heart of gold, and helped friends, family, and strangers alike. Diabetes was the elephant in the room. It managed to sit in it's corner for years but finally it came time for it to get up and stomp around. My father's failing kidneys is a wake up sign to myself that even if you live a good life, lead by example, shit still happens. This thing called life is a crap shoot, a chance to roll something good or something bad. Sometimes by our actions we are the hand that shakes those dice just before we throw them but sometimes we're not. In this case it's God's hands on the dice. I'm not sure what he's getting at, I'm not sure his strategy for this game. I have to trust that he knows the deal, for I have no choice, no influence on the outcome. I can only hold tight to the time I have left with my father, the memories, and his influence on my life. Really, it's the same for all of us. Tomorrow could be our last. What is the last thing people would remember you for? I try to keep this in mind these days. Death seems so distant until it touches people who you are close with. Through the years I've lost my granddaddy to a freak car crash, my granny to a botched surgery, my grandma to misdiagnosed medication, and a few other family members who died of natural causes. I don't want my dad to be next and I'll continue to pray that it's not. He's hardheaded, he's tough, and never been one to complain so it's my duty to him not to let him throw in the towel and give up. I won't allow it.

Watching my Superman lay there in discomfort, selfishly I began thinking about my own health. I'm in good shape but how healthy am I really? I smoke, I drink, I never sleep enough, I work hard, and I play hard. I've already had a back surgery, my hair is gray and receded, my bones pop, and I know when it's gonna rain and storm before it does thanks to a slight case of arthritis in my back, shoulders, and neck. I'm 30, going on 31...I feel 60. I have a gym membership that I rarely use. I have nicotine patches that I never wear. I feel like a mess and I'm tired of it! I want to quit smoking, despite announcing it a million times and not following it up. I think I must bite the bullet and just do it. It will never get any easier to quit with more time. In turn since drinking and smoking go so well together, if I am to quit, then I must quit having a few beers a few times a week. A few times a week? I never did that in the past either. I'm getting reckless with my health, especially when I role in at 3am during the work week and 6am on the weekends. That must stop. I must get into the gym more often, at least four times a week, No pain no gain and I must learn to enjoy the pain. Without pain we can't truly feel pleasure

I'll continue this thought later. My eyes are getting heavy and I'm starting to listen to my body...

Valentine's Day Bust or Boom

So Valentine's Day is coming up. It's a time to celebrate love, blah, blah, blah. This will be my 1st V-Day in six years to be single and I'm not going to sit around and dwell on it. In fact V-Day not only marks the time of the year to celebrate love, it marks the one year anniversary of the end of my last relationship. One year, one very long year. In the past year I've rode a roller coaster full of emotions, from highs to lows. I've held my head up high in defiance, I've sulked into a pool of self doubt. It's the end of the 1st time I tasted love, swallowed down like a bitter pill. Most days I'm good. I still fall back to the comfortable memories in moments of isolation but my friends have been a lifeline from keeping me from drowning. I love them for that. Their efforts and kindness will never go unforgotten, even when they were unaware of the impact a subtle invite for a night out. Through the past year I've stepped outside of my comfort zone. I've chose new roads to follow and met many people along the way. I've put myself out there again to be accepted or rejected but otherwise to live again. I've made new friendships that I cherish along with reunions of friendships past. I've drifted between social circles that I never knew existed and with each brave new approach, learned something new about myself as well. In moments of loss we can give up, we can die on the inside, and remain in a state of limbo. I was apart of this disease, I was rotting at the core. When I hit bottom I realized that I couldn't stay there. It was not the place for me. My attitude has always been that of an optimist and my self conscious would pull me back up. I chose to push on, to fight for my own survival in a sense. I was torn to the bone but I was building myself back, piece by piece, moment by moment. As I type now I've reached a height that I've never before. I've learned more about myself in one year's time than I've learned in the rest of my lifetime. I feel comfortable in my own skin, something that I've never been before. I see things in people that I never noticed for I was too selfish to care. Despite my loss of love and a relationship, I am better now because of what I've gone through. I know what it is to love others and not just myself and that makes me smile more than anything. So despite Valentine's Day being a reminder of something I lost not long ago, I will look at it as the birthday of the new me, the beginning and not the end. I know love will find me in it's own time and I will now know how to nurture it when it comes my way. So to anyone who is alone during this special time, you have a friend and love in me, count on that.