I watched my father sit helpless in his hospital bed in the ICU again tonight. Seeing my father, my Superman when I was a child, lay at the mercy of God, doctors, and nurses really puts things in perspective. Our lives we live are fragile ones. Any minute it can be take away from a car crash, a freak accident, of a slow death sentence from a disease or poor health. My father is a good man. He's lived a good life, provided for his family, treated my mother and I with a heart of gold, and helped friends, family, and strangers alike. Diabetes was the elephant in the room. It managed to sit in it's corner for years but finally it came time for it to get up and stomp around. My father's failing kidneys is a wake up sign to myself that even if you live a good life, lead by example, shit still happens. This thing called life is a crap shoot, a chance to roll something good or something bad. Sometimes by our actions we are the hand that shakes those dice just before we throw them but sometimes we're not. In this case it's God's hands on the dice. I'm not sure what he's getting at, I'm not sure his strategy for this game. I have to trust that he knows the deal, for I have no choice, no influence on the outcome. I can only hold tight to the time I have left with my father, the memories, and his influence on my life. Really, it's the same for all of us. Tomorrow could be our last. What is the last thing people would remember you for? I try to keep this in mind these days. Death seems so distant until it touches people who you are close with. Through the years I've lost my granddaddy to a freak car crash, my granny to a botched surgery, my grandma to misdiagnosed medication, and a few other family members who died of natural causes. I don't want my dad to be next and I'll continue to pray that it's not. He's hardheaded, he's tough, and never been one to complain so it's my duty to him not to let him throw in the towel and give up. I won't allow it.
Watching my Superman lay there in discomfort, selfishly I began thinking about my own health. I'm in good shape but how healthy am I really? I smoke, I drink, I never sleep enough, I work hard, and I play hard. I've already had a back surgery, my hair is gray and receded, my bones pop, and I know when it's gonna rain and storm before it does thanks to a slight case of arthritis in my back, shoulders, and neck. I'm 30, going on 31...I feel 60. I have a gym membership that I rarely use. I have nicotine patches that I never wear. I feel like a mess and I'm tired of it! I want to quit smoking, despite announcing it a million times and not following it up. I think I must bite the bullet and just do it. It will never get any easier to quit with more time. In turn since drinking and smoking go so well together, if I am to quit, then I must quit having a few beers a few times a week. A few times a week? I never did that in the past either. I'm getting reckless with my health, especially when I role in at 3am during the work week and 6am on the weekends. That must stop. I must get into the gym more often, at least four times a week, No pain no gain and I must learn to enjoy the pain. Without pain we can't truly feel pleasure
I'll continue this thought later. My eyes are getting heavy and I'm starting to listen to my body...
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