Casual Observation

In your eyes I see you for who you are. All the clever disquises and behaviors cannot hide the fact that I know you to your core. I once revelled there before.

In your smile I can see the strains of life beating you down. I can see the pain you feel when nobody is around. A smile forced now but so easy to wear once before.

I see your hands clasped tightly at your sides as if they're just trying to hang on. Such soft hands that once with a touch healed others now tremble in moments of solitude. My hands were your hands home once before.

In these simple things I see under your many layers. Each built carefully to shield yourself from the outside world in hopes it keeps your heart safe. In doing so you've made it empty. Longing for substance yet you continue to dwell in your security you've built of past hurts.

An offer was given, an open hand outstretched. A newly understanding soul careful to listen to your needs and dreams. An ego in check ready to serve and fullfill you lays in wait.

Come forward now, tear down your walls. A world of possibility awaits, endless directions to unfold but it requires you to take that first step. In taking it you need to believe in yourself again. You're a gift in some of the most jaded eyes. Reclaim yourself and make someone happy but most importantly, make yourself happy. You deserve it and you wear it well.

Hands Open

Over the past two years my life has seen many changes. One of the more glaring change that I see in myself has meant the most to me and my overall well being.

Around 2005 on into 2008 my life was centered with acquiring material wealth. Land, new house, new $40K truck, thousands of dollars worth of aftermarket things for said truck, paintings, clothes, eating out, partying, anything that filled the material void I was feeling at the moment. Life looked good but didn't always feel so good. In fact I felt empty, nothing I could buy would permanently fill that void, only gave me temporary satisfaction. The more I felt this void, the more I bought.

Then in 2008 trouble had found it's man. Stretched thin from all the spending I felt stressed and burdened with bills mounting. Along with the piling debt, being sucked into an all time low, I needed to spend more for the temporary relief to get the monkey off my back. Later that year the final nail was driven when I hurt my back at work. This sent me into a downward spiral. Not only was I suffering financially, now my health physically was waging a war on my mental health as well.

Relationships with friends, family, and loved ones took a nosedive as I receded within my own pity. Not wanting to burden others with my problems, I walled myself off to the outside world. It was just me and my possessions. It was an empty feeling. Not wanting to share my new found place in life, and with no faith, I only sunk deeper.

Following back surgery I made many tough decisions on my finances. At that time I had little choice in the matter. It was a weight pulling me under but I wasn't ready to drown. I decided to cut the rope, walk away from everything I thought I valued, and start over.

A man's ego is an understated idea. We're taught from childhood to be tough, to be winners, and never give up. It's imbedded in our brain so deep that you would think it's part of our DNA. I felt defeated and less of a man for my flawed logic. I felt that everything I had worked so hard for I had lost to arrogance of only wanting more. Despite losing everything, I gained something instead.

After emerging through the fog of self doubt, embarrassment, and loss, I slowly gained a new perspective. Human relationships are far more valuable than possessions.

It sounds cliche, I know. But a friendship, a conversation, a laughter, a secret told in trust, a hug, a smile, as well as many more things have touched my heart and brought more happiness than anything I've ever spent money on.

Just over the past year I've met more new friends, spent more time with old friends, and joined more activities than I've ever done in my past 30 years. I've laughed more, smiled more, and truly enjoyed life and it's endless possibilities. I've grown as a person in leaps and bounds, opened my mind to new things, new ideas. In a funny way I feel wide eyed like a teenager again to a world full of new experiences. Every corner awaits something new.

As great as it sounds there are lull moments like the daily grind of work but even in these moments there's possibilities of meeting new people, new laughs, new directions. Life and it's events are mysterious again and that's how I like it.

I've been blessed with a new start, be it through God's design or through my own free will. I've been blessed with great friends, new friends, my health, an optimistic outlook, and love from all. I have no enemies, nobody that should harbor bad feelings towards me, and despite some loose plans I hold for my future, I feel content with who I am as a person.

You never own stuff, stuff owns you. They cannot bring happiness, and you will never learn that entirely until you're forced to lose everything. You can live without them however, but without friendship, family, and love from others you'll never truely live.

I was reading a book the other day and read a few lines that stuck out to me. It said, "When a baby comes into the world, it's hands are clenched because a baby, not knowing any better, wants to grab everything as to say, the whole world is mine. But when an old person dies, they die with their hands open because they have learned their lesson. The lesson is that we can take nothing with us."

Ponder that for a moment. On your deathbed what will comfort you the most?The fact you've acquired more possessions or acquired and given more love to others? I choose the latter.

Through My Windshield

Rain dances across my windshield
Each drop falls with it's own distinct note
Sounds of rolling thunder and distant clap
I sit stationary and remote
The winds blow often
Sometimes with a subtle tone of change
As the old is washed away by new
With burdens of time on my hands
My mind can't help but drift too
Memories of childhood
A time wrapped in such innocense
To the first sting of pain
Reality of a loved one's loss
Days that seemed to last forever
Into the hot summer nights too
Laying beside the radio singing
Until our faces were blue
Oh how those memories they fade
As the years march on
Each day speeding faster
Where has all the time gone
The world has lost some mystery
As certain truths are lived true
The daily grind has taken it's toll
Do you feel it too
We must pick our remaining moments carefully
Making the most out of every chance
It's a careful balance of progress
One step forward, two steps back
Like a dance
How do we unbind these chains
Chains of our conscious voice
To live more carefree and leave my life to chance
That is my choice

Swept Away

The sands of time are swept away by swift winds
Cold, cutting gusts that cut to the bone
Once rooted in familiarity
Now searching for a place to call home
Passing strangers as we walk in this here life
Starring at the ground as we move
We take our burdens in stride
Tiny defeats and moral victories
Keep us dangling, withering
Dying a little inside

As we scream out in a whisper
We reach out only to connect
Careful who we let in
Hoping it wont be met with reject
Showing our best faces
We keep our darkness within
Without showing our true selves
Can we ever really begin
Fear and doubt keep us from moving on
Stuck in limbo
Searching for where and if we belong

The sands of time are swept away by crashing waves
Relentless they pound and erode
The shores of our resistance
Crashing in and pulling back
Like the dances of emotion
Of love given and stolen
Memories like shells
Litter our hearts
As soon as one recedes
Another starts

I'm the casual observer
I cautiously watch from the shore
For if I'm swept away again
I'm scarred I'd never come back for more
Once close to drowning
A fear was built inside
An overwhelming sensation
Gasping for air and help
I nearly died
Lessons learned and luckily taken away
I search for that perfect wave
With all my heart
I hope it carries me away

Time To Put Up and Shut Up! Pt.1

I watched my father sit helpless in his hospital bed in the ICU again tonight. Seeing my father, my Superman when I was a child, lay at the mercy of God, doctors, and nurses really puts things in perspective. Our lives we live are fragile ones. Any minute it can be take away from a car crash, a freak accident, of a slow death sentence from a disease or poor health. My father is a good man. He's lived a good life, provided for his family, treated my mother and I with a heart of gold, and helped friends, family, and strangers alike. Diabetes was the elephant in the room. It managed to sit in it's corner for years but finally it came time for it to get up and stomp around. My father's failing kidneys is a wake up sign to myself that even if you live a good life, lead by example, shit still happens. This thing called life is a crap shoot, a chance to roll something good or something bad. Sometimes by our actions we are the hand that shakes those dice just before we throw them but sometimes we're not. In this case it's God's hands on the dice. I'm not sure what he's getting at, I'm not sure his strategy for this game. I have to trust that he knows the deal, for I have no choice, no influence on the outcome. I can only hold tight to the time I have left with my father, the memories, and his influence on my life. Really, it's the same for all of us. Tomorrow could be our last. What is the last thing people would remember you for? I try to keep this in mind these days. Death seems so distant until it touches people who you are close with. Through the years I've lost my granddaddy to a freak car crash, my granny to a botched surgery, my grandma to misdiagnosed medication, and a few other family members who died of natural causes. I don't want my dad to be next and I'll continue to pray that it's not. He's hardheaded, he's tough, and never been one to complain so it's my duty to him not to let him throw in the towel and give up. I won't allow it.

Watching my Superman lay there in discomfort, selfishly I began thinking about my own health. I'm in good shape but how healthy am I really? I smoke, I drink, I never sleep enough, I work hard, and I play hard. I've already had a back surgery, my hair is gray and receded, my bones pop, and I know when it's gonna rain and storm before it does thanks to a slight case of arthritis in my back, shoulders, and neck. I'm 30, going on 31...I feel 60. I have a gym membership that I rarely use. I have nicotine patches that I never wear. I feel like a mess and I'm tired of it! I want to quit smoking, despite announcing it a million times and not following it up. I think I must bite the bullet and just do it. It will never get any easier to quit with more time. In turn since drinking and smoking go so well together, if I am to quit, then I must quit having a few beers a few times a week. A few times a week? I never did that in the past either. I'm getting reckless with my health, especially when I role in at 3am during the work week and 6am on the weekends. That must stop. I must get into the gym more often, at least four times a week, No pain no gain and I must learn to enjoy the pain. Without pain we can't truly feel pleasure

I'll continue this thought later. My eyes are getting heavy and I'm starting to listen to my body...

Valentine's Day Bust or Boom

So Valentine's Day is coming up. It's a time to celebrate love, blah, blah, blah. This will be my 1st V-Day in six years to be single and I'm not going to sit around and dwell on it. In fact V-Day not only marks the time of the year to celebrate love, it marks the one year anniversary of the end of my last relationship. One year, one very long year. In the past year I've rode a roller coaster full of emotions, from highs to lows. I've held my head up high in defiance, I've sulked into a pool of self doubt. It's the end of the 1st time I tasted love, swallowed down like a bitter pill. Most days I'm good. I still fall back to the comfortable memories in moments of isolation but my friends have been a lifeline from keeping me from drowning. I love them for that. Their efforts and kindness will never go unforgotten, even when they were unaware of the impact a subtle invite for a night out. Through the past year I've stepped outside of my comfort zone. I've chose new roads to follow and met many people along the way. I've put myself out there again to be accepted or rejected but otherwise to live again. I've made new friendships that I cherish along with reunions of friendships past. I've drifted between social circles that I never knew existed and with each brave new approach, learned something new about myself as well. In moments of loss we can give up, we can die on the inside, and remain in a state of limbo. I was apart of this disease, I was rotting at the core. When I hit bottom I realized that I couldn't stay there. It was not the place for me. My attitude has always been that of an optimist and my self conscious would pull me back up. I chose to push on, to fight for my own survival in a sense. I was torn to the bone but I was building myself back, piece by piece, moment by moment. As I type now I've reached a height that I've never before. I've learned more about myself in one year's time than I've learned in the rest of my lifetime. I feel comfortable in my own skin, something that I've never been before. I see things in people that I never noticed for I was too selfish to care. Despite my loss of love and a relationship, I am better now because of what I've gone through. I know what it is to love others and not just myself and that makes me smile more than anything. So despite Valentine's Day being a reminder of something I lost not long ago, I will look at it as the birthday of the new me, the beginning and not the end. I know love will find me in it's own time and I will now know how to nurture it when it comes my way. So to anyone who is alone during this special time, you have a friend and love in me, count on that.

Letting Go

I've been having a bit of difficulty over the past eleven months letting go of something that no longer belonged to me. I fought with an intensity to keep someone in my life that you only see in the movies these days. Of course in the movies, the guy always gets the girl, end credits roll, and all is right in the world. The real world not so much. The harder I fought, the further I pushed this person away. It pains me to know that in my well intentioned actions, I caused more harm to the relationship than if I had simply remained silent. I've never been that guy, the guy who refuses to let go, the guy who lives in the past, until now. I think it's because that person made such an impact in my life at the time they came into my life. With the loss of the relationship, the impact followed by teaching me many important lessons about a relationship, making me look further than my own interests and self. I wanted to apply those lessons, rekindle a second chance, but the moment would not pass, I would not get my wishes. This leaves a hole in my heart knowing that I made foolish mistakes that I'm now above these days. It's a burden to know that the person didn't receive the best of me, the best of what I could offer. It's been tough, no doubt. Over these months I've panicked and made phone calls, sent emails, and texts when something crossed my mind. I felt like my heart would burst if I didn't relay these things when they crossed my mind. I see now that it's been foolish on my part to burden her with such things. It's been a burden to my heart as well by not giving it the proper healing process. Over these long months I've found religion. It hasn't held me completely up at times but it's almost like an imaginary couch to lay on and express my hopes, doubts, and fears. I've prayed for guidance and help in my weaker moments. I lean on friends at times too although they might not quite know it. I feel better when I surround myself with them so I don't feel quite so alone. In their unknowing presence, I love and cherish them for this. I was in one of my roller coaster moments tonight when I chose to tell my friend Stefanie about some of my troubled thoughts. She told me that someone had sent her something recently and said it was ironic that I was dealing with such things at the same moment. Irony is my thing. My life is walking irony. Now, I usually don't take much from forwarded emails, written by some unknown person, and sent to everyone, only to be sent to everyone else. Since she suggested reading it, I listened. I'm getting better at that BTW. What follows hit me like a ton of bricks because it rings so simple, yet so true. I really needed it at my time of weakness. Read it, think about it, and enjoy...


LETTING GO

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .......LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you.....LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge..... LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents....LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.... ...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. ....LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to.......LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord's!'

Panicked Thoughts

Here I sit in the dead of night
While others are asleep
I'm twisted and bound tight
Lying again
Telling myself it will all be okay
Jumbled words
So many things I wanted to say
I pushed the envelope too far yet again
Lost my lover
Lost my friend
Holding on to something so tightly
Scared to let it go
My inner emotions have now hit
An all-time low
Like smacking my head face first
Into an unmovable brick wall
In agony
I will crawl
It hurts
As if forced to crawl on broken glass
Tears me to shreds
I'm hoping this pain won't last
Walking around confused
Always seem to be lost
My love you refused
My past you tossed
Now I'm forced to walk alone
Against the crowd
Wishing to find my heart a home
Wishing I could figure all this out somehow
Where do I turn
What do I do
Do I wait for my chance
To meet someone new
Do I make my own road
Blaze my own path
Do I sit back and cry
Or fake a few laughs
I have become something I never thought I would be
I've become alone and humbled
This wasn't the life for me
I pray to God
I beg for another shot
I feel like I'm being taught a lesson
Love is fragile
Never meant to be dropped
At times it feels like a knife
Being twisted in my gut
Makes me panic
Puts me deeper in a rut
Things like this aren't meant to be said
To an open crowd
Not caring if anyone's listening
I would shout it out loud
I guess I'll wait for love
Be in mind not patiently
I see it around every corner
Just beyond the grasp of me
Turning me in circles
Keeping me lost
It's a maddening cycle
But to love
It has it's cost

Drift

I watch from afar as you drift
You barely make it through day to day
Your insecurities and your needs
Not a word of this you dare say
In doing so you fear
You might signal defeat
It stays locked away until the night
When your pillow and head finally meet
As you lie awake
Your head swims in your doubts
Questioning yourself repeatedly
When and where it all went wrong
Wondering what this life is all about
You struggle with these fears
Until you're resigned to your sleep
Only for it to return again
When your face and mirror meet
You can see it in your eyes
You fear others might know
You wear a mask of pride
Careful of what you might let show
I watch from afar as you drift
You barely make it through day to day
Your insecurities and your needs
Not a word of this you dare say
If only I could find the words
For you to let down your guard
Show you all these things
Show you that life shouldn't be so hard
The human condition is not meant
To be faced all alone
It flourishes only
When love has found it's home
Your pride will deceive you
Let you down each and every time
Wish I could wrap my arms around you
And call you all mine
Until then I will watch from afar as you drift
Just making it through each day
Hiding your insecurities and your needs
Wishing I could take them all away